Tuesday, August 01, 2006

Life in the fishbowl...

9:46 am
It’s one of those things where I just can’t concentrate or get started at all. The light outside is perfect, it’s quiet and I’m totally hyper. I’m best at this with one foot tapping against the other under my seat as I type. Hmm, pain in my abdomen. Left side. Gonna hafta look at that at some point. This would be the perfect setting in which to write the underwater pachyderms. Derm. Skin. Floating. I’m looking at the reflection in the window of the office across from me. I can hear the voices behind me of the people reflected in the window. There is no reflection when that office light is on. When Simon gets back from his vacation, no more dark mirror. No more moving branches in the window in his office that I look through through the window from his office into my area. Too much light. I can hear the fluorescents. Foot tapping. I should be working. It’s not like there isn’t anything to do. I just can’t bring myself to do it. Maybe I should go get a bagel. More coffee will make me too hyper. Got up too early this morning, that’s it. That’s why I’m jumpy. I wish this pain in my side would go away. Well it does, but it flares up always. I want it to stay away. Dammit, there it is again. I need to go home. I need to be home writing. If I went home, the sun would come out and I would watch CNN all afternoon. I wish I was home right now at my keyboard. Mm. Pachyderms.

9:54 am
It was just my period starting thank god. Not cancer, not bowel upset. Not anything new and undiagnosible. I should have …

10:07 am
…called in sick today. Was on a phone call and answering some emails. I wonder what I would be doing if I was at home right now. Would I be productive? Would I be eating toast and rosehip jam? I’d probably be thinking about how soon I can all angie. Probably because I’m thinking about that now. My internet connection wasn’t working this morning. I don’t need that to work on the book, but it pissed me off anyway.

10:12 am
Trouble in the local fire panel. I hate the security company hired by our landlord. They called me day in and day out, sometimes at 4 or 5 am. They called me on Christmas Day. I’m not particularly devout, but I certainly don’t expect work calls on December 25th. And it was a Satuday! Jerks. Now they just call my landlord who then emails me or calls me. It’s not in any way better. There is never an issue. That is my big deal. There is always a reason for them to call which is no reason whatsoever. We check all systems over and over and there is never anything wrong and they call anyway. I sometimes wish that safely, securely, without damage to the company, employees or distribution I could efficiently burn down the building just to see if they call me at the time. I suspect they wouldn’t.

10:18 am
So I hired a security guard to monitor a store during overnight construction. The store manager gave the guard a chair and said to sit outside the store and watch from outside. There were 5 contractors inside. Apparently the store manager gave him this instruction for no reason I can imagine. To watch the door maybe? I’m going to be 28 in September. Can you believe this is my life?

10:26 am
Now I can’t think of anything. That last revelation comes up every so often and it is so frightening I can’t think for a short while after. 28. My grandmother called the weekend before last. She will be in Toronto on my birthday with my aunt. She said I need to do something. I think she meant with my life. She probably meant get married. To whom I cannot say. Then she said I would be the first grandchild to be 30. I said, I’m the oldest. Of course I’ll be the first one to be 30. I was the first one to be sixteen, the first one to the 20, the thing is, time is linear as we experience it, and I was first out. Period. Also, I’m turning 28. I don’t need to hear about 30 for another two years and 7 weeks. I hate that I’m turning 28. It means 27 wasted years. I don’t count the first year because I was learning to talk and see past 17 inches. That year is a freebie. The rest went down the hole.

10:31 am
I’ve decided this month is cash saving month. I need to make that my focus for the next little while since the girl taking over the second empty room at my place only plans to stay until May. I can spend a little more (that’s how glaciers etch out mountains you know, inch by tiny inch) time here saving cash until I don’t know, maybe my head will explode. I mostly just want some security so when I do go off the deep end, it won’t be, oh god I can’t support myself. Although by then I’ll probably be seeing giant rabid ticks at the end of every s

11:00 am
Anne-marie just told me that my keyboard might not survive for long if I continue typing like this. They have keyboards in California that are like spheres and your hands go on each side. That’s cool. Anyway, that’s the plan. Every time there is a huge freakout in my life, everything stops. I just close down and get exhausted so easily. It adds to the anxiety that usually starts about a week later. What if I can’t work anymore at all? How long would unemployment last if I needed it? What should I do? Who should I talk to? Big panic which usually adds to the rest of the panic. I’m going to assume that further nonsense is going to present itself to me in the future. I’m told that once it starts, friends dying in nonsense, fucked up ways, it only continues. There’s none of this, lying in state, calmly sleeping endlessly, saying goodbye in a hospi

11:09 am
I am concerned.

11:18 am
For some reason two sites come up when I search for ergonomic keyboards. One I guess I can figure out because the page suggests an ergonomic keyboard for pirates. The escape key says Avast. The other is actually called Avast and when I click on it turns out to be exactly the same thing. http://www.arrrrrr.com/. I am now spending several seconds clearing my net history from my harddrive. Didn’t find the keyboard that’s a sphere. Maybe this weekend.

11:29 am
The washrooms here smell too strongly of lemon. It’s a sickly, pledge type scent that I find overpowering. I detected something different when I sat down and pulled down my black lacies just now in the nicer washroom near the coffee machine on the other side of the space. I went and put my cup in the dispenser, set it to fill and went inside while it poured. This is a normal process for me. It was a stronger, but lovelier scent. Maybe the hormones, maybe just the day. No blood. Just me, enjoying myself, making friends in a quiet moment. Disappointing to get up and be nasally assaulted by strong lemon and disinfectant handsoap. Somehow so masculine, so astringent. I would smell this if I was sitting at home. I could take the panties off and throw a skirt on, or just kneel up on my bench with my feet under me. I can always right with a whiff of that under my nose. It is inspiring, an aromatic muse.

11:43 am
is it too soon to go to lunch?

11:46 am
Lunch. I finished my book on the way to work today, so I’m not sure what I’ll read over my lunch hour. Maybe I’ll just go up to the terrace and sit in the nice air for a while. I brought my notebook, so I could write I guess. I miss David, although if he was in today I couldn’t write along with the clock. I wonder what Alex is doing. I wonder if Angie is bored. She’s probably not quite up yet, it’s only 10:45 her time and Arkansas sans cable and internet access means no reason to get up before 1:30 in my opinion. I can’t wait until she’s back. I can’t wait to go out with her and point at things and sit on terraces with beer. Maybe I can go for a little walk. I wish I had a Batman comic with me. For some reason, that would really hit the spot.

11:49 am
I’m not even really hungry, I just want to be doing something. I want the idea of, oh, I’m on my lunch. I probably wouldn’t be getting any more done than I am now, but it would be as though something was happening. I’m glad it’s not that busy. If I was too busy today I would be tired and stressed and there would be no hope of writing anything tonight. At least on light days I can conserve my energy. I wonder who would notice if I wasn’t around? Not left exactly, just sort of, not here.

11:58 am
Etienne is such a beautiful name.

12:04 pm
It’s sticky and humid out! That’s my ticket! I have severe asthma, (10 cortical steroids a day plus an emergency pump cause those daily doses only keep me level with the masses and can’t be counted on for emergencies) The air conditioning is not right at this place and if it gets too miasmic I may just need to run home to what appears to be a dalek sitting directly in front of my bed. I love it! It shoots freezing, dry, breatheable air directly at me and beeps affectionately when the reservoir is full. When it is full, I empty it knowing that my wonderful Dr. Who enemy has litterally sucked the water out of the air in order to prevent me from breathing it. That’s something to count on. That is devotion.

12:10 pm
Holy shit! The temperature is 32 degrees celcius, but feels like 44 degrees with the relative humidity, get ready, of 72 percent! My god. I don’t want to leave now, I’ll choke on the way to the subway. Isolated showers this afternoon with a risk of thundershowers this evening. That means the air is pretty much just going to hang suspended at eyelevel, microscopic droplet by microscopic droplet until the wind changes. Not even ozone and electricity will budge a front like that. 2-4 mm of rain is expected between now and tomorrow morning. No end in sight. 81 percent humidity expected tomorrow. Maybe that day I’ll call in sick.

12:52 pm
uneventful lunch. Lamb and steamed vegetables, spicy rice. I sat with some people from my department and one other. Banal conversation, small knowing laughs. It is truly disgusting outside. Could only go out for a moment or two. I need to stop walking through reception. Anna, the receptionist, is a lot of fun and I really like her. Whenever I see her she asks me for something. Hello doesn’t ever really enter into it and when I’m halfway up the stairs, she will call out to me have I heard about this or that or can we adjust this. Then I go back down and talk to her about whatever it is. I desperately want to just silently walk away, but more than likely I will end up with phone calls and voice mails and emails on the subject. She wants reception to be perfect, which it should be. I want it to be perfect so that I don’t have to hear about it.

12:56 pm
Still on my lunch hour, so I’m going to draw. A little something’s been going through my head for a while now, so I’ll give it a whirl.

1:19 pm
Could only draw the most rudimentary stickperson storyboard. Looked for a pencil for a while, settled on a pen when I couldn’t find one. Several phone calls and emails. It is excruciating on one side of the building and they are starting to yell in my direction because the person who took over the head office repairs isn’t getting back to them. Probably he is but they are frustrated and want to tell as many people as possible.

1:30 pm
I should have minimized this window before I got up to go to the washroom. There are heat calls coming in from everywhere. The humidity is at record levels and the machines I have working can’t cope with this volume. It now occurs to me that if I burned down the building to spite the alarm company, it would release smoke and more heat into the air, thus heating my city even more. There are times when I wish I was a housewife and I could hide from all this, but there’s a good chance I am one in a parallel universe and she’s wishing she could hide from something else.

1:37 pm
It occurs to me now that maybe I should separate the major stories in the book into cohesive units and make 2 or maybe three. The problem is that they all fit in together and although they are distinct, it is only apparent by the middle of each part. You can’t see where they begin and end. And don’t most books have more than one story going on at a time? I have no idea what I’m doing with this thing. Maybe they should be short stories together. But they all culminate at the same point. I’ll have to look at it when I get home. I feel fat but it’s just skin I’m holding onto. I am exhausted and it’s 1:40 only.

1:42 pm
It is hot and awful out, but the trees are blowing around quite strong. I can see them through the windows. I’m listening to the sounds of the office. No-one is playing music today. I want to hide under my desk. The fog is coming. I can’t think of anything to put down. Just staring straight ahead, unable to think. Jumping when


2:02 pm
Jumping when I hear my name. I don’t need this much adrenaline in my body. I wonder what the chances are of a flash blizzard in the next few minutes.

2:35 pm
More phone calls and emails and paper to sign. I wonder if any of it actually means anything. It’s sort of the meat and potatoes of what I do. I imagine digestive enzymes who are in no way aware of the contemplations of the brain on the nature of being, but who nevertheless take orders from it, react to organic items ingested by it’s direction and indeed breakdown kry-something or other that the brain really really really likes during a fast. I feel like that little enzyme. No eyes, no ideas, just reaction and in and of itself pointless motion. Part of a greater whole it is in no way aware of. This heat must be getting to me.

3:15 pm
I can smell that dr. scholls spray stuff I use on my shoes when I get home. Either my shoes are saturated or my feet are moist. It wouldn’t surprise me in this heat. Invoices at the moment. I usually reserve the last hour of the day to do only that, but today I need to do it now or risk staring into space for another few hours. I can see small meaning in this; the suppliers who work for me will get paid.

3:24 pm
Anthony brought popsicles! I love the chemical flavour of cherry on a stick.

3:42 pm
Ten minutes late for a meeting I missed entirely yesterday. No idea why Outlook won’t alert me when a meeting is due, but there you have it. Luckily the program I am being shown in this meeting is completely down, so no big loss.

4:00 pm
Program I’m being shown is entirely dependant on a website which currently is down. I wonder if this is really software I want if it is linked directly to a site and not a program that is installed locally. Invoices coming along, area getting to hot. Clouds outside. I hope it rains.

4:05 pm
It’s getting sunny out again! What the hell is this anyway?

4:32 pm
There has got to be a reason for office managers all being insane control freaks. Challenge them and they will come back to you with tiny, minutely catalogued faxes and emails which I would imagine take as long to archive and file as they do to react to and possibly even coordinate work. I hate dealing with her when my boss and her boss aren’t around because if she freaks out on a scale beyond my capabilities to tolerate, I can go to them. Neither will be back until tomorrow, so her banal power trip is mine to treasure.

4:35 pm
It occurs to me that I am the only person in my department who hasn’t left for the day. I hope my internet connection is working at home tonight. Better go check;)

2 comments:

orangelina said...

4:16 pm

i miss you & i love you julia!

Freshwater Mermaid said...

I love you too baby! Miss ya this much every day.