Sunday, July 30, 2006

Why do I go to the movies anymore?

My super ex-girlfriend super sucks.

Why does hollywood keep doing this? Is there a reason for the weekly release summer nonsense run forcing us to scour local cinemas out of our way, to creep through on-ramp after on-ramp to that one movieplex in the middle of nowhere (read: Pointe Claire) because the only good movie coming out this summer is playing there?

I admit, I was looking forward to it. I shivered with anticipation. I stupidly figured that since the other teen-movie blockbuster hitting the theatres at the moment is that John Tucker Must Die thing, this would have the similar overtones of woman hilariously tormenting evil ex-boyfriend who was mean to her. There’s nothing wrong with that type of fantasy now and then, and if it includes Uma Thurman flying around in a leather jumpsuit, all the better.

I should not have been surprised. The story was lame, shallow and beyond stereotypical. I’m not bothering with a spoiler warning; no giveaway can make this any more disappointing.

This hometown girl suffering through the torment of puberty runs amiss of a meteor that gives her superpowers. But girls can’t handle their own strength, as we all know, and need the soothing, firm hand of a strong man who loves them to regulate their wildly raging impulses. The girl gets a whiff of popularity and blows off her nerdy but devoted friend who then has no choice but to become an evil mastermind.
Time passes. Oh does it pass. Get some popcorn. You’ll be here a while.
The girl all grown up is now a superhero in New York City, assistant curator by day. She is neurotic, controlling, jealous and at one point after she has opened up her secret identity to her new good-guy boyfriend, needs to be convinced to save the city from impending doom. She takes a fuck hissy fit and needs her baby-faced boy-toy to insist that she save the fuck city.
He dumps her because she is so crazy and she pulls a Fatal Attraction destructathon a-la-superpissed. At one point she throws a shark through a plate glass window (ultimately the reason I wanted to see the flick) and I found myself sympathizing with the poor defenseless shark ripped rudely from the safe waters of the deep and thrashing around on the floor of a new york apartment gasping for air and snapping at everything in it’s path. In the end, the supervillan admits that he loves her and Luke Wilson gets his own other non-crazy superhero girlfriend and the two men end up holding their girlfriends’ purses while they fly off to do battle with injustice, which actually wasn’t that bad to look at.

Why was that my movie? Why wasn’t it a mean, self-centered, irresponsible prick who had it coming? It didn’t need to be a movie suggesting that all men are like that, but we’ve all met pricks in our time and what better way to spend a summer afternoon than to sit in a darkened theatre fantasizing about a superhero making their lives crap? Instead, this is a guy movie. For all the men out there who ever went out with a total head case only this time she can fly. I don’t mind that per se, but I’ve seen enough of them. And this was advertised to me! They made me want to see it based on the premise that I would see a jerk get some comeuppance. The people at Paramount and 20th Century Fox convinced me it was something I wanted to see. They were wrong, and I wonder if a movie will ever be well-advertised enough, but still bad enough, to incite a class action suit against them for fraudulent business practices? I can tell from the ads I don’t want to see You, Me and Dupree and so I won’t and save myself the boredom and inevitable upset from it.

As it is, ladies I will say, don’t bother. Luke Wilson is a good guy no matter what you see him in. Get a copy of Old School, that was way funnier. And Uma’s a gamble depending on the director. Go see The Devil Wears Prada. I never thought I would say this, but its way more entertaining, and the bitchy female hero is satisfying in a much better way.

1 comment:

orangelina said...

Oh god...it sounds awful. Thanks for the warning, miss mermaid. Hollywood always gets in the way of quality. Go out and rent Grizzly Man - it will make you feel better.